the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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