dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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