Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
