The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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