She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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