I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
