I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
