highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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