my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize