I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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