When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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