but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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