happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
