that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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