she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
