I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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