Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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