pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize