Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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