im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
