I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Houston, we have a squirter
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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