I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
