We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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