Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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