Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
