He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
