everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
