Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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