How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
