I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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