it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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