my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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