'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
