she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I deserve this hangover.
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