If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
