I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't deserve a penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
