u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
