Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
