please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
