If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
