Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
