I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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