I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
