i dont even know how to be here
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't deserve a penis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
