just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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