I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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