I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
