Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
