I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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