Too much gin, very little bucket
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
