Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
