What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
