Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
