i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
