I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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