Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
