i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
