Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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