He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize